(If I watch this too long, I get dizzy.)
Yes, I am back from my hiatus, and I am really effing glad to be back. I was working hard on some things in my life that needed changing and I am proud to say that many of those changes are now solidly "in progress."
(Can you tell I've missed this?)
At the moment, I don't really feel comfortable going into all the details with you, since you might, you know, tell someone. *gasp* But I do just want to say that I am confident progress has been made in the right direction.
So let's talk about something other than me, for a change.
(If you get this reference, you are cool.)
Spring is nearly upon us. There is excitement brewing along with the vibrancy of anticipated twitterpated-ness. So, let us bow our heads, close our eyes, and breathe in the air around us for a moment.
Smell that? Yeah. You stink. And so does your stuff. But don't worry, I do too! And so does my stuff!! I know this because I have a HUGE COLLECTION OF AIR FRESHENERS.
(Woof.)
But seriously, I was unpacking a few boxes that have been packed since before I moved from out-of-state last year and found not one, or two, or four, but a grand total of SEVEN air freshener holder do-hickeys. SEVEN OF THEM. All of which are empty, btw. All in the same place, like they were having some sort of empty-air-freshener-holder-do-hickey meeting...
"Hi, I'm Glade, and this is my twin sister, Gladé. We haven't been used in over three months."
"Hello, Glade & Gladé."
(Or, I might have actually organized them into the same box on purpose. But that doesn't sound like me, so I'm going with the EAFHDH meetings.)
("Hey, I thought she wasn't gonna write about herself this time! She got really far on that, hahahah...")
Okay, yes, shut up, getting back to my original point.
You stink. Well, maybe you stink, I don't actually know unless you let me smell you. *awkward silence*
Uhm...anyway...*throat clearing*
Everyone has a unique smell to them. (Is it "a unique smell" or "an unique smell?") According to this article I'm just now reading (in pursuit of science of course and not because of the creepy armpit-smellathon pic), your smell is like your fingerprint; it is completely and totally your own. Apparently, no matter how much fish you eat or how many gin and tonics you down, your basic smell stays the same, because it's...guess what??...GENETIC! Hooray!
(Aww, look at all these older people making these younger people stinky...)
Now, that's not to say that, if you eat 20 pounds of garlic in a week, you won't completely reek of garlic (you will, stop it, that's disgusting). But your basic smell stays the same. You are recognizable by your smell.
I know what you're thinking, because it's Spring and it's that time of the year...."if I am stinky, how will I attract a mate?" (I mean, science says that's how you talk in your genetic code, so, ya know, just keeping it real here.)
I have to tell y'all about my experience growing up on a hobby farm with dairy goats. (Oh gosh, she's gonna talk about herself again...this better be good...) I never had a real "birds and the bees" talk when I was a kid because, growing up on a farm, you just...learn. And sometimes, it's super gross. So prepare yourself.
Male goats (known as "bucks") start off all cute and fuzzy, like this little heart-breaker...
(D'aww!)
Then they get older, go through an awkward teenage phase like teenage Simba from The Lion King, and then we have to separate him from the female goats (does, pronounced "doughs") to keep him from knocking up every single female goat of breeding age.
(Right down to the hair.)
Does in our climate go into heat (get randy) in the late summer and, every 21 days or so, for usually 2-3 days, go into heat again and again and again until late winter. This is where I start feeling bad for the buck. Bucks don't have a cycle, they get all excited and stay that way until the does are done cycling in and out. It's literally called a "rut," and for a good reason, too! Poor dude. Anyway, to keep themselves ready for action at a moment's notice, bucks do things that are totally disgusting to show their readiness to the does, who may or may not be paying him any attention. The most notable (and grossest) thing the bucks do is pee on themselves.
Yep. You read that right. He effing PEES ON HIMSELF. Like, all over his forelegs and face. *shudders*
Apparently, these does get off on how their bucks smell. And there are a lot of other mammals that get a real rush of hormones whenever smelling whatever they perceive to be a good-smelling mate.
Oh, and they do this freaky lip-curling thing. Here's a pic to burn into your memory forever...
(Totes sexy, amirite ladies??)
Getting back to the human realm, we all have a smell. When it comes to BO, men generally give off more of it. And that is why they invented cool stuff like deodorant and cologne and perfume and body spray and all that crazy stuff, because we don't always like how we smell when we sweat, and our smell comes out the most through, you guessed it, body fluids! Like sweat!
(Can't you just smell him?)
I gave a small piece of advice to a friend of mine who has never kissed a girl before and is just dying to kiss a certain girl - wear cologne. It wasn't a comment on his own natural smell, but mostly a lack thereof. This particular friend doesn't really seem to have much of a smell, so I suggested he start wearing cologne around her to get her attention that way.
Cologne/deodorant/body spray/perfume is cool stuff. It might not be your natural smell, but it will intermingle with your natural smell and still make it unique (with a shot at "sexy"). That is why, if you buy your new boyfriend the same cologne your old boyfriend wore, you will be horribly disappointed because they will not smell the same, no matter how much you try to douse him in it. Not that I did that.
(Smell good, damnit!)
So there you have it! You learned something about smell today! I work in an office full of mostly women, and one good-smelling guy brings us all to the "nearly drooling" phase of attraction. I have seen a line of women form where the good smelling guy was so they could each get a lung-full of his smell. If you are having trouble attracting mates, I highly, highly suggest talking to a very close (preferably female) friend to find out what you smell like (women have statistically more sensitive noses than men).
Things to take away from this really odd, awkward, informative blog:
1. You have a smell.
2. Your smell is stronger when you secrete body fluids, like sweat.
3. If you mix other smells (cologne, deodorant, etc.) with your smell, it is still uniquely your smell because your smell is your smell.
4. If you want to attract people to you, try experimenting on your natural smell.
5. Goats are effing weird.
So, go out into the world, be aware of how you smell, and have a very happy Spring!
*self-consciousness intensifies*
G'night!!
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