Lasagna.

T and I went to a department "beginning of the year" party a few nights ago and I scored us a huge thing of salad, a large pan of veggie lasagna and breadsticks. That's what I'm having for breakfast...I didn't feel like cereal and eggs have been grossing me out lately...

I met a really nice woman named Tina at that party...I hope maybe we can hang out soon...

I've been following SIF and that woman has some amazing things to say. She is INCREDIBLY popular and supported and an excellent writer. She struggles with endometriosis and would give anything to have a baby. Now, I don't know much about endometriosis but what I do know of it (thanks to SIF) is that it is incredibly painful and expensive if you want to have your own children. Amber may finally have a gorgeous baby boy after all the heartache she and her husband have been through trying to adopt. Although she hasn't posted much lately, she also is an incredible writer and well-followed.

I guess you can say that I have some serious envy up my sleeves for these women. If I was one of them and I read that last statement, I would be horribly confused. Having serious infertility is NOT something to envy. I don't envy that (I'm already there). I am jealous of their ability to generate online support. I kind of hate how incredible their stories are and how incredibly strong both of these women are. I sometimes feel like there are so many of us struggle in silence, hoping someone will come across our blogs and bring us into the spotlight. Because honestly, who am I kidding? I have NEVER been able to figure out how to get to the spotlight from here.

If you've been following my other blog, Family Matters, you know I'm dealing with some serious issues and still not getting any answers. It's kind of taking over my life and nobody I know or have found on the internet yet has had any answers for me. I feel like I'm walking on a path nobody has walked before, hacking my way through with a butter knife. The work we're putting into this seems like way too much compared to the current and forecasted results. It's so frustrating...I have an interview tomorrow with Pearson (the publishing company) and I hope it goes well...I really could use having some options with the healthcare plans. I found an OBGYN in the area who gets nothing but great reviews and I'd like to switch to him if possible. I am sick and tired of inexperienced doctors treating me like I'm exactly like everybody else and therefore anything I think about me that might not be textbook-accurate is crap. My mother has been telling me something since I was born...YOU ARE NOT NORMAL. And I am of the opinion that moms are always right. Mine has yet to be wrong.

In my life, I have had several near-death experiences (all completely out of my control) beginning at birth. I have had the WEIRDEST things happen to me and I've struggled with social situations and relationships that were completely horrid and totally out of place. Even my husband tells me that I am unusual...that I have strange things happen to me. Maybe I've got a curse? Maybe I've got some weird chi? I just have no idea. So many people either ignore it or try to "normalize" it. Even I have tried to do that ("Well obviously they hated me because everybody loved my show..."). But there's a fine line between "boy that's weird but it's kind of fun to tell people about" and "WTF???" I think it's safe to say I'm crossing into WTF territory with the situation described on my other blog. Then I am always faced with the same question...would I WANT to be normal? In some ways, yes. In other ways, of course not. I can't pick and choose my weirdness ("I'd like the abnormal cycles with a side of two-faced symptoms. And can I get a large 'people stare at me' with that?") and although that would be great, I don't think I'd pick a good group for myself. So THEN I end up just hoping that God knows what He's doing and that it'll all turn out okay.

This is the point where I feel completely out of control of my life and I start trying to control the things going on around me...such as the laundry or the dishes (since I'm currently a 'homemaker' or 'professional bum,' if you will...that last one is popular at parties). Then I get stressed because I can't force the laundry to be perfect and the dishes will continue to get dirty unless we stop eating altogether. Then I get headaches. And THEN I stress about that, thinking something's wrong with me. I hate this cycle. Each time this occurs, I tell myself it'll be different. But it's not. It never is.

So the big, looming question is...why? Why are things always this way? And the other question is...how? How can I break this?