Xs

Anyone who has a dating history knows that exes are always one of the essential tidbits. They're kind of like shots, actually...nobody likes them and they hurt but they prevent you from worse things happening to you.

My first ex is a man I STILL have troubles forgiving. I know it sounds ridiculous, childish and kind of stupid but I have to be honest...up until that point in my life, nobody had ever hurt me so badly. Actually, nobody has hurt me as badly since then either. Maybe if someone hurts me worse than he did I'll forget about him...mostly, though, I fear it's that mantra...you never forget your first love. *sigh* Forgiveness, though, is a whole other ballpark. Still working on it. We dated for just over 2 years.

Then there was the guy I regret rebounding with and the really awkward internet relationship with a man from New Mexico shortly thereafter. Both were bad ideas and I hightailed it out of there as soon as I realized something was very wrong...those I don't really count since the first guy refused to call me his girlfriend and the second guy was old enough to be my dad....creepy!! Both of these relationships, together, lasted less than 9 months.

Then there was J. Oh, J. J and I used to go to church together when we were very young and it was 10 years later when we met again. A few months after we met again, we were dating. It was long distance and we dated for just over 2 years. J felt like he was stuck in a rut at his crappy job delivering auto parts so he made the decision to join the Air Force. We both made mistakes...I was struggling with serious depression and he needed to fly the coop. Today, neither of us are the same person we used to be. After he went through Air Force basic training, he was a very different person. Emotionally closed off and obviously not invested in our relationship. He explained to me that he had to be closed off so he could be the best he could but it didn't change the fact that I was incredibly lonely. Eight months after he left for boot camp, I broke up with him. I didn't want to do it but I was in such horrible emotional turmoil and pain and depression that no amount of Bible Study, fasting or prayer sessions could fix. Ultimately, I had to make a choice. I never wanted to be put in that position. I had it in my brain that I was going to stick with him if it killed me. The thing is, it WAS killing me. And once I realized that it actually was killing me, I knew I had to do something. I had begged and pleaded with him to come back to me emotionally but he did no such thing. I know it hurt him and I wish he knew how much it had hurt me for 8 solid months. During the time while he was gone, I got really close to his family members. They were my "other" family all that time and I knew that when I broke up with him, I'd have to cut ties with his family even if it was just for my sake.

Two years later, I have no anger for him. I feel sad that I had to do what I did but I knew in my heart it was the best for me. I know it sounds selfish but every once in awhile, a girl has to think of her needs too. There are of course several pieces of information I'm not giving here but I don't think they matter to my point. I don't feel anger towards him but looking at a picture of him today told me that I have anxiety about it still. I facebooked his mom today and told her I missed her and her family. And hopefully I will be able to reconnect with them, I miss them all so much! I know conversation about him will come up eventually and I know there could be a chance I'd run into him at some point. I just hope that if there is ever contact between us again, that we both will be kind and civilized.

So that's my update for the day.