Regrets.

I am a "young adult" and therefore caught somewhere between glitter stickers and glasses of aged wine.

I haven't been feeling very well over the last 3 days and I thought maybe if I just relax for a little bit, my body would start to heal. I lit a few small candles and put on the recording session cd from the 2007-2008 season of The Concordia Choir. Yes, I know...THE Concordia Choir sounds so snotty. But it is the choir that has gotten the choral program attention at Concordia...just sayin'.

Anyway, it was taking me back to a different time and place. I started to reminisce about all of the times I've felt amazing when I'm singing and all of the times I've felt not-so-amazing. I remember sitting backstage at several of the concerts that year because I had a virus-induced vertigo that few people believed and fewer still understood. It was horrible...not being able to perform with the choir. I remember trying to get one of the choir members to pray with me to "cast out" the illnesses we two were struggling with...I should really send her an apology message...okay, done. It's a little incredible just how great I feel right now because of that...I hope she doesn't hate me for that...

I also remember how hurtful and crushing it was when Mr. Leaf (now Dr. Leaf) chose a different person for a solo I really wanted my sophomore year in choir. Or when I wasn't chosen for The Choir at the end of my freshman year. Or when I got that letter that summer that recommended I go for a BA instead of a BM because I wasn't doing well in my classes. And when I think of that, I know that if I hadn't been wrapped up in a relationship, I would have done fine. But nothing mattered to me except him...and it showed in my grades and actually is the biggest reason I got a theater major in the first place. I regret not focusing on my career goals earlier in college and I regret that I even went so far as to isolate myself just to keep living in my own little world that I really wanted to be in. If I could have had it my way, I'd have been married the summer after my senior year and happily living with him. Reality tells me I'd have been miserable (and he probably would have been, too) and really, the suffering and struggling in college would someday be worth it all.

I am not one of those "privileged" people. I grew up in a large family that was pretty poor (I had to wear my brother's hand-me-downs as well as my older sisters') and seriously lacking in resources. I don't mean to rip on them...they are the first reason I look forward to holidays. I'm just saying nothing ever came to me easily and on top of that, I was painfully shy and socially inept at times. Performing, strangely, gave me the opportunity to express myself in a more public way. I was a total choir nerd in high school and loved every minute of it. I went to college expecting to be awesome and I was...with the exception of my grades. I got so upset after reading that letter that I set out to prove them wrong and promptly fell behind in my classes just in the first week because I hadn't learned a damn thing the year before. I changed my major to theater because, frankly, it was a lot easier and I could slack and still do well. I guess you'd call it not living up to my potential. I won't lie, I am a talented and skillful singer. But when it came to theater, I was as confused and inexperienced as I would have been being a nutritionist or something.

I tried really hard to fit in but at first I was nursing my broken heart and then I was trying to force myself to fit into a new relationship. Whether or not I'd like to admit it, I am sensitive and not very good with rejection. I didn't deal with the breakup of the first relationship well and ended up dropping out of school with a heavy heart and spiraling down a horrible dark slide of depression and anxiety. I met Rommell, a wonderful woman who helped heal my broken heart and get my head back in order, and I was back the next semester. I decided to finish my degree in theater just to get it done and over with so I wouldn't have to spend more time at Concordia than I had to. After that, my grades got much better and I started to learn what it was that I was supposed to be doing in college besides learning...growing. I hit some hard times and made some very serious decisions which, happily, led to a relationship that was wonderfully natural and beautiful. Less than two years later, we are married and so happy to have each other.

Enough about my romantic life. :)

What I was getting at was the loss of self confidence and the self doubt which messed up my career. I miss singing...I have a lot of classical training under my belt and although I find opera people to be snotty, I also envy them. I wonder if I should just bite the bullet and find an opera company in Columbus...I miss it so much and I am even better today than I was back in college. My self confidence has come back in a big way and I don't doubt myself as much as I used to. Also, I may have figured out what Lucy meant when she said, "point it forward, like in your nose" so maybe it would be a good idea for me to see what I can get into. I love powerful music.

I regret messing up my career plan. I regret not figuring this out earlier. I regret depriving myself of something I love for the last several years.