Heartache

I woke up this morning in an especially good mood. I've been ill recently (bacterial infection of the large intestine...fun!) and finally felt more like myself after 12.5 hours of sleep last night. I had a plan, too-get up, shower, dress, eat, out the door to go shopping for T's Christmas presents.

We actually had a funny little conversation this morning about presents. T can't seem to come up with things he wants other than books or socks. So I told him it was sort of an impromptu test to see how much I knew him. I gave him a half-hour to brainstorm ideas and he couldn't think of a thing! I gave him at least 10 things this year-it would seem I am a woman who knows what she wants. T, on the other hand, likes to take his time, and told me I was rushing him. I reminded him that I've been asking him this since BEFORE Thanksgiving and he STILL hasn't come up with anything other than books and socks. I gave him plenty of time! I actually thought it was cute, though mildly frustrating, that he couldn't come up with a damned thing. Not even one thing that he wants. Just goes to show you that we don't think the same way.

At any rate, I got dressed, put on some makeup, and headed out the door. I knew exactly where to go, and I took my time going there. I had spent the entire trip popping in and out certain stores (can't tell you which ones, though, because he reads this from time to time and I just CAN'T risk exposure!!) and listening to my Four Shadow Christmas CD in the car in between. Today was a warm and sunny day here in Columbus, so warm in fact that I had to roll down the windows and roll up my sleeves. I thanked God for the sunshine and the nice weather and asked for some snow for Christmas, and didn't really worry about anything for the first time in months. It felt so nice just to feel like myself for a change.

When I got home, T had this sullen look on his face that made me wonder briefly what was up. I didn't think much about it as I ushered him into a different room so I could scamper back to the car and drag the gifts in. After all, the next step was, of course, wrapping the gifts! It's one of my most favorite parts of giving, especially this time of year since the wrapping supplies are so bright, cheerful, and sparkly. I hid the presents and told him he could come out now, and he was just a little frustrated with me. I asked him what was up and he said, "Didn't you hear??" I had no idea was he was talking about. He turned on the TV and I felt the strength go out of my knees and sank into a nearby chair. I stayed that way for about 15 minutes, watching the CNN coverage of the Connecticut shooting. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It felt a lot like THAT day, back in September, of 2001. Not on the same scale, but that same disbelief and horror welling in my throat and threatening to spill tears onto my cheeks.

All I could really think about was how horrendous that this happened at all, not to mention right before Christmas. I just kept thinking about those presents those poor parents have already bought for those little kids, going unopened and not played with. I kept thinking of the parents returning to their homes and seeing their children's rooms and belongings and knowing they would remain empty. I couldn't help but cry. What horrible thing turned this man into a vicious murderer? And why these little kids?? Not to mention the teachers. Of all the teachers I ever had, I loved my elementary school teachers the best. I can't imagine what could have possessed this man to not only plan something so vile but then follow through with it. To see yourself shooting 20 kids...there aren't even words to describe how horrible and terrible it is. The parents, family, and friends will all struggle through this holiday season and the next few as well, and it's all because of this man.

I can't really put into words the emotions that describe the anger I feel towards this horrible man, the sadness I feel towards the families and friends of all killed, and that terrible aching in my heart whenever I think of this whole thing. What drove him to this?? I know that's what everyone's thinking right now. Why? So many questions. So much...blood. These poor kids didn't even have a chance to really start living yet. I think that's the most horrible part.

This shooting has, of course, sparked a HUUUGE debate about gun laws and school security and all kinds of other stuff. It's so easy to blame this on all of those things, and in part I could attest some blame to them. But I think the people who were closest to this man should have helped him. It's not easy, but if you suspect a friend or family member of being capable of something like this, you must do something. Not all of the details are known right now, of course, but I just can't help wondering if anyone in his life could have done SOMETHING to prevent this.

At any rate, my heart goes out to the families and friends of the deceased, and to all of those affected in whatever way by this. I hope something good comes out of this somehow...for now, I can't see the light.