I've not been feeling too great as of late. I've been so incredibly tired and foggy in the head lately, and it's causing me a lot of grief. For example, I just had to have a half-hour conversation with a good friend, with whom I've missed two sessions of getting together. And I'm not talking "missed," I'm talking totally blanked, didn't follow up with, "total flake" missed.
I feel just awful. I'm rarely like this with close friends. I do tend to clam up and shut down when something major happens to me, though.
I realize it's not the BEST way to handle things. Mostly, I think it stems from having to be so independent as a child. There really wasn't anyone there that I could consistently lean on for everything and anything that was bothering me, so I just had to deal with it on my own. I was either entered in a one-up battle or ignored when I expressed myself. Nowadays, I tend to shut people out if things are happening to me that are big or out of control. I've been reminded twice today that people can't be supportive unless I open up first to them. I have a really hard time remembering that.
What I AM remembering now is my "thinking spot." It was a tiny, forgotten piece of fence that overlooked a field. It faced west so I'd catch the sunset while I was thinking. I remember those days, when I had the time and energy to really just think about stuff...
I couldn't even begin to count the hours I spent at my thinking spot, reflecting on how my life has changed since I was younger, thinking about the impact on my life other people have had, wondering how my life would be different if some people were still alive, wondering what kind of crazy man would have to love me enough to overlook my flaws and ask me to marry him.
If you asked me then if I thought I'd be where I am now, I probably would have laughed at you. I had such big, beautiful dreams when I was younger. I had plans and ideas, too. I have to say that I'm not a big fan of growing up or living in the "real world" because it's so very grey compared to my dreams.
Or, maybe it's the life I'm living. Maybe I'm not happy with this life. This is something I have been able to think about, but not think through. I think I'm afraid of knowing the answer. I'm not the kind of person who sits around and mopes about the things that aren't right. I'm more of an action person. If the garbage stinks, I take it out. If a friend has a problem, I try to offer suggestions for solutions. I'm rarely a person of indecision, and yet I cannot seem to bring myself to think, all the way through, about whether or not I'm happy in this life I've built for myself.
I find this train of thought depressing. New train!
This picture makes me want a hot dog...
Until next time...
~Steph
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